Justify
by Convenient Alias
Summary: AU. Tenma chooses to save the mayor instead of Johan on that fateful night in the hospital. Now he can't escape the guilt of knowing that a young boy's death is on his head. Oneshot.


"Father is very pleased with you," Eva said. "You saved the mayor's life, Kenzo."

She delicately tipped a small sip of red wine into her mouth. She looked beautiful tonight. Her dress, a dark blue, was one she had been telling Tenma about for a while now but refusing to show him. More importantly, she was smiling a proud, fond smile that Tenma knew he himself had put on her face.

She looked beautiful. Radiant, almost.

Tenma stared down at his plate. He'd ordered fish. The look and the texture of red meat repelled him recently, even though its bloody juices had never bothered him before. Tonight, though, he couldn't even bear to eat the fish.

"Is something wrong, Kenzo?"

Tenma looked up. Eva's smile had faded a little. He had caused that too.

"You haven't said much all evening," Eva said. "And you haven't eaten a bite of your food. Kenzo, why aren't you happy? You saved the life of the mayor himself. Your skills are a credit to the hospital."

"There was a boy," Tenma said. His voice came out low and quiet, and he was surprised at how it shook. He didn't feel shaky. No, he felt solid, like there was an iron ball in his chest, anchoring him to the chair and pressing down on his guts.

"A boy?" Eva said.

She leaned back in her chair and quirked an eyebrow.

"At the hospital last night," Tenma said. His fingers played absently with the fork, never quite picking it up. "I was called in to operate on a boy. He'd been shot in the head. When I was prepping for the surgery, your father said I had to operate on the mayor. So I left and helped the mayor instead."

He could remember the director's voice on the phone, soothing his distress at the sudden change. He remembered glancing back at the door to the operating room as he walked down the hall, and then looking quickly away because it was no use to dwell on the boy's fate. That wasn't his responsibility anymore. And it wasn't his call to make, who he would operate on. It was the director's decision. It wasn't his fault.

"He died," Tenma murmured. "The boy."

He looked back at Eva and saw the discomfort on her face. It wasn't fair to unload his troubles on her, but he loved her and when they were together sometimes he couldn't help himself.

"Kenzo," Eva said after a moment of silence. "It's not your fault. You weren't even on the team."

Tenma shook his head. "Eva, I _should_ have been on the team."

"You had to save the mayor."

"The boy was there first," Tenma burst out. His fingers clenched on the fork, tightened around the smooth metal. "Why not him? Why did I operate on the mayor and not him? I could have saved him, Eva! He could be alive!"

"Him alive and the mayor dead," Eva said calmly. She was in her stride now, her area of expertise. She did not often sympathize with Kenzo or with anyone, but she loved to argue, and she was always ready to fight off Tenma's feelings of guilt. "Is that a fair trade, Kenzo? And how will you decide who lives and who dies? Have you the right?"

Tenma disliked arguing himself, but he could be stubborn. "The boy was there first. He had his whole life ahead of him, Eva. He had a sister named Anna, and she's in shock right now but when she gets out of it she's going to cry."

Though it could be a long while now before Anna Liebert came out of shock. The sister catatonic and alone in the world; the brother dead. There was a bad taste in the back of Tenma's mouth that eating fish wasn't going to help.

"So the boy had a sister," Eva said. Dispassionate, she tucked a hair behind her ear. "Did you know the mayor has a brother named Friedrich? He also has a wife and three daughters, though they say he wanted a son."

"I don't know much about politicians," Tenma said dully. The fork turned in his hand, over and over and over.

"And," Eva continued. "The mayor also is the highest authority in the city. He is well liked so he might continue as mayor for years. And he may very well make a donation to the hospital that saved his life. At the very least the hospital will get some publicity out of it."

Tenma frowned at her. "Money isn't worth life, Eva. That's..."

"Money given to the hospital can be used for new supplies and innovations, and new innovations and supplies can save lives. That, Kenzo, is what we get from saving the mayor. Isn't that more important than the life of some boy?"

"His name was Johan," Tenma said. "His life was just as valuable as the mayor's, Eva. Lives are equal. We cannot judge."

Eva took another sip of wine. She wiped her lips with a napkin.

"So his life was as valuable as the mayor's. You could say as easily that the mayor's life is as valuable as his. You saved a life, Kenzo. You saved a life last night. Does it really matter whose?"

A part of Tenma wanted to say, "He was there first." But Eva was looking tired and the boy was dead, whether Tenma should have saved him or not. He kept his mouth closed.

Eva smiled brightly, even though she did not seem quite as happy as before. "Eat your fish, Kenzo. Forget about this Johan."

Tenma smiled back, his lips curving to mimic an emotion he could not feel. And an image danced in the back of his mind. A small, pale face on a shaved head, vulnerable in its bareness. The closed eyes, the expression not peaceful but rather lifeless. The smear of blood near the hole where someone had decided to put a bullet for reasons he would never understand.

Forget Johan.

Tenma knew that wouldn't be happening for a long time.

* * *

AN: Reviews are always appreciated.


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